What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc? - One's made of wood, the other's Maid of Orleans.....
If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
Why are dogs such bad dancers? - They have TWO left feet!
How do crazy people get to work? - They take the psycho path!
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
If it's true that we are here to help OTHERS, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Postcard to the Weather Bureau: "Sirs, I thought you would be interested to know that I have just shoveled three feet of partly cloudy from my front steps.......!"
My boss told me the other day that he would welcome an EXCHANGE OF OPINIONS. What he really meant was that I should come with my own opinion and leave with his.......!!
MEETINGS: Where minutes are taken and hours are lost.......
These parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer are called HARDWARE; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called SOFTWARE.....!!
An insomniac goes to his GP and complains of sleeplessness: "Doctor, doctor, I'm having trouble getting to sleep at night." - To which Dr. Witty replies: "Well, just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off......!"
Tom: "She said I'm interesting, brave and intelligent.
Bob: "You should NEVER go steady with a girl who deceives you from the very start!"
At the video store:
- I would like to borrow "Batman Forever".
- I'm sorry, but that's not possible ...... unfortunately you have to return it tomorrow!
Melba: "My husband was named Man of the Year."
Pam: "Well, that shows you what kind of a year it's been.....!"
A rich lady gave a little boy two cents. When the boy was silent, she said, "What does a gentleman say when he is given two pennies?" - "I'm too much of a gentleman to tell you...."
A Paris art thief beat the alarm system at the Louvre. He got clean away, but then suddenly, got caught by the police because his getaway van ran out of petrol. When asked why he could plan such a great heist but not have enough petrol, the thief simply replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh....."
What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?
- "I'll have the burger and fries, please....."
An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans
over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart.
What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
A lawyer in a small firm had just finished advising
a client on a business matter.
The fee for the advice was $100, and the client gave the lawyer a folded-up $100 bill.
After the client left, the lawyer unfolded the bill and realized that the client had accidentally given him two $ 100 bills.
Now he was faced with a true moral dilemma: Should he share the extra $100 with his partners?
Policeman: "Here is your parking ticket."
Woman: "And just what do you do when you catch a real criminal?"
Policeman: "I don't know... all I ever catch are the innocent ones."
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna be
a father again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
A condom tells a tampax, "You annoy me! Every
month you quit my business for one week!"
Says the tampax, "Oh you shut up! If you make a single mistake, I am unemployed for nine months!!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them
collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The
other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
An Australian comes into the bedroom and has a
sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed, looking at him questioningly.
He says, "Look! This is the pig I fuck if you have no desire for me!"
His wife answers, "You idiot! This is not a pig that is a sheep!"
The man replies, "I know that but who has spoken to you???"
Two fish in a tank.
One says, "How do you drive this thing?!"
Q: What's the difference between American beer
and making love in a canoe?
A: None, both is f***ing close to water!
The number one problem in our world is apathy - but WHO CARES?!
The magazine "Popular mechanics" in 1949: "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons......"
Western Union - formerly the largest provider of telegraphic services in US - in an internal memo from 1876: " This TELEPHONE has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication......"
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure that either the car or the wife is new.....
A rancher asked a veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?" - The veterinarian replied, "The next time he walks normally, SELL HIM!".....
Father: "Son, do you realize that when Lincoln was YOUR age he was already studying hard to be a lawyer?" - Son: "Right, Pop, and when he was YOUR age, he was already president of the United States....."
Little Girl: "Daddy? Do ALL fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time' ?" - Father: "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that start with 'If elected I promise'....."
A famous Shakespearian actress was once asked by a man, "Why do you suppose it is that women so utterly lack a sense of humor?" - She replied, "God arranged it on purpose so that we would love you men instead of laughing at you....."
The Past, The Present, and The Future all walked into a bar. It was tense.
What is yellow and goes fast? Pressed lemon
What concert costs 45 cent? 50cent ft. Nickelback
How many Marxists does it take to change a light
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start
very noisy conversation:
" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "
An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:
"You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!!"
Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."
How do you call an ant from over seas? Import ant.
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What did the ocean say to the other ocean ? - Nothing, they just waved....
A blind man walks into a bar... a table and a chair.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender,
"I'll have a pint of beer and a .............................. packet of
The bartender said, "Why the big paws?"
A woman gets on the bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Jean-Paul Sartre is writing "Being and Nothingness"
at a local cafe when the barista comes up and asks him if he wants anything.
Sartre says, "Yes, I'd like a coffee, no cream, please."..
The barista responds, "I'm sorry, sir, we're out of cream. Would you like it with no milk instead?"
What's the favourite time for a dentist? Tooth hurty!
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
"It's going to take me a while to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
What did the pirate say when he accidentally froze his wooden leg? Shiver me timbers!
Invisible man went to see the doctor and the nurse says, "Sorry, he can't see you right now!"
What does the eye say to the other eye? "Between you and me, man, something smells!"
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
A cow and a chicken walk into a bar and the bartender says, "You'll have to leave, we don't serve food in here."
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.....
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What is the sound made if a vinegar truck and
water truck are involved in a collision?
How do confuse a fool? Line up 10 shovels & tell them to take their pick!
What do you call a midget psychic who escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
Man at a bar: "For twenty years my wife and I
were EXTREMELY happy....."
Bartender: "Then what happened?"
Man: "We met...."
"Haven't I seen your face before?!", a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honour", the man answered. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter....". "Ah, yes," recalled the judge, ".....twenty years......!".
Fred Allen, American comedian: A CONFERENCE is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.....!".
Mechanic to a costumer, "The brakes still don't work, but don't worry. I made your horn louder!"
"Where did you receive your training?" - "Yale!"
"Good, and what's your name?" - "Yim Yohnson."
Dr. Hanson: "So, the operation on the man was
just in the nick of time?"
Dr.Poure: "Yea, in another 24 hours he would have recovered!"
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: Why, no. Is it missing?!"
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the
wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?", he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trousers' pocket with the name Mary-Ellen written on it", she replies. "Don't be silly!!", he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.". She seems satisfied and at this apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, "What was that for?!" - "Your fuckin' horse phoned.".....
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me." - The husband says, "WHAT??". The
wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
woman. The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and
he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it.". The wife is jumping up and down so excited she
cannot even believe what is going on.
In the end she says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."..... The husband stops and says, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." - The wife's face goes blank. "No, honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!"...........
A man goes into the doctor's office and he says
to the doctor, "Doctor, I'm having this terrible problem. You see, I keep
farting all the time. Day and night, I can't stop! It's awful! Luckily,
they're the silent kind and don't smell so no one knows it's me. Anyway,
you gotta help me, doc!"
"Alright," says the doctor, "I'll tell you what we're gonna do... first we are going to get your hearing checked. Then we'll fix your nose."
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with
his girlfriend when he is pulled over by the police.
The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
"Why?", asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No", replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.".......
Teacher: "To-day, we're going to talk about tenses.
Now, if I say 'I am beautiful.', which tense is it?"
Pupil: "Obviously it's the past tense...."
- "Do you know Boo?
- "Boo Who?"
- "Oh! PLEASE don't cry!!"
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire
A: Yes, of course, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
Teacher: "How do you spell 'mousetrap', Monika?"
Teacher: Can any bright pupil tell me why a man's
hakir turns gray before his mustache?
Pupil: Because the hair has a twenty-year start on his mustache!
Bob: Don't be afraid of my dog. You know
the proverb, "A barking dog never bites"!
Rick: Yes, you know the proverb; and I know the proverb; but does your dog know the proverb??
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: they're cramming for their final exam!
Why is that if someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?
Teacher: Raymond, your composition on 'My Dog'
is exactly the same as ylour brother's. Did you copy this?
Pupil: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady!
Mom: Well, he did the right thing!
Son: But mom, I was sitting on his lap!
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked
her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely...what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His left eye is still swollen ... but the doctor has informed him that he is likely to see things much clearer in the future...
A single Penrith mum goes to centrelink to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the centrelink officer.
"10???", says the centrelink officer, "What are their names?".
"Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig and Craig".
"Doesn't that get confusing?".
"Naah...", says the Penrith girl, "it's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout "CRAAIG, YER DINNER'S READY" or "CRAAIG GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it...".
"What if you want to speak to one individually?", says the perturbed centrelink officer.
That's easy," says the single Mum, "I just use their surnames.....!!".
An ugly, horrible, bad tempered, bad mouthed,
irritated woman walks into a shop with two children shouting at them.
The shop attendant, a polite young man welcomed the woman saying, "Good morning, madam, what a lovely pair of beautiful children you have. Are they twins?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and sarcastically replies, "Twins? ... one is 7 and the other 9 ... Twins? How can they be twins, are you stupid or blind?!"
To which the attendant replies, "No, madam, I am neither stupid nor blind, I just can't believe somebody would fuck you twice!!"
At Sunday school:
Teacher: "Ok, kids, what is the commandment for
Mums and Dads?"
Girl: "Thou shalt honour your mother and father!"
Teacher: "Good! And what is the commandment for your brothers and sisters?"
Boy: "Thou shalt not kill!"
Students at the UH Med School were receiving their
first anatomy classwith a real dead human body. They are all gathered around
the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted".
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"
A man from the city, moves to the country. His
farmer neighbour visits one day and invites him to a party that night.
The farmer says, "I gotta warn you there is going to be a lot of drinking
The man replies, " That's O.K. I used to go out and drink a lot with my friends after work.". The farmer then says, "I gotta warn you, there may be fighting, too."
The man replies, "That's O.K., I generally get along with people pretty well."
The farmer then says, "I also must warn you that sometimes there is a lot of sex."
The man says enthusiastically, "That's O.K."
The farmer then gives the man directions to his cabin. As the man is almost out the door, he asks, "What should I wear?"
The farmer answers,"It doesn't matter! It's just going to be the two of us." .....
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered
three pints of Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out
of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and
ordered three more. The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed.
"Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Two men were driving down a country road when
suddenly a rabbit came bounding through the fields and ran right in front
of their car. The driver slammed on his brakes, but not in time. The passenger
jumped out of the car and screamed, "Well, do something. I can't believe
you hit him."
The driver said, "Don't worry. I can help him." He goes to the trunk of the car and takes a bottle out. He then walks over to the rabbit and pours a little over his head. The rabbit instantly raises its head. He pours a little more and then the rabbit hops a little down the road, turns around and waves at them. The rabbit then hops a little further, turns around and waves at them again. The rabbit then hops a little further down the road, turns around and waves again. He did this until he was out of sight.
The passenger turns to the driver, and says, "What was that stuff?" The driver looks at the bottle and says, "Permanent Wave for Damaged Hair."
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." ........
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?", she asked.
"They're mating", her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?", she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs", her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?", the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied, "both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat ..... "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden!"....
Two gay men are walking through a zoo.
They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay guys are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?".
"AM I HURT? AM I HURT????", he shouts, "wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written, ..............".
A woman is laying naked on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet, takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"; and the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just the painter!" .........
Two guys were walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either....."
"I've lost my dog."
"Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?"
"Don't be silly! He can't READ!".....
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today", complained
Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for the money....."
Father: "Do you know why birds fly to the south
Son: "Because it's too far to go there!"
Why didn't the man report that his credit card had been stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife!
Costumer: "May I try on that dress in the window?"
Salesman: "Go ahead! Maybe it'll attract some business...."
One night in the insane asylum on inmate shouted,
"I am Napoleon!"
Another said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me....."
Just then a voice from the next room shouted, "I did NOT!".....
It was the first day of class after summer for a first grade class. The teacher went around the room asking each student what they did for the summer:
Pupil 1: "We visited my Nana this summer!"
Teacher: "Well, we are ll in first grade now. No need to talk baby talk. You didn't visit your Nana, you visited your GRANDMA this summer!"
Pupil 2: "We visited a farm this summer and we milked a Moo-Moo!"
Teacher: "Now, what did I say? I said we are all big boys and girls ans we don't need to talk baby talk! You went to a farm and milked a COW!"
Pupil 3: "I read a book this summer!"
Teacher: "Which book did you read?"
Pupil 3: "Winnie the Shit!"
A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar wiping a glass. Thinking he's seeing things, he rubs his eyes and looks again. It's still a horse. "Excuse me", he says to the horse, "Am I going crazy or are you a horse?" - "Yep, I'm a horse, alright.", the bartender replied. - "THANK GOD! I thought I was going crazy!!!", the man says,"When did the Cow sell the place?"
A ventriloquist is working down South and during
his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making
smart ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're
not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax", said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" - "I'm not talking to you, Sir!", the hick replied, "I'm talking to that little prick sitting on your knee!"
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular
haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks, "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!", Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!", yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!", says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says, "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!", laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite", explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?" "Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?' "
After growling at the orderly, the general opened
his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test
we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.
The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes, I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
A little boy asks his father about the difference
between theory and reality.
"Well", his father replies, "go upstairs and ask your mother and your sister whether or not they would sleep with old man Wilson, who lives next-door, for a million dollars."
When he returns from asking he says, "Yes, they both said they would."
"Well, son, that's the difference between theory and reality. In theory we are Millionaires! In reality we are living with two whores."
Twin brothers were born.
As they grew up, one took the path of least resistance, and did not live a very good life. He drank, gambled, cheated on his wife, stole, embezzled, et cetera. Of course, because of his lifestyle, he did not live to be very old.
Years and years later, the other twin - who had lead an exemplary- died with his loved ones by his side at the ripe old age of 89.
So when he got to heaven, St. Peter asked him if he had any requests. He said to St. Peter, "Look, I know my twin brother didn't lead a good life, but he was my brother, and if it's okay with you, I'd really like to take one last look at him."
"Certainly, my son," St. Peter said as he parted the clouds to peer down into the underworld. The man saw the most extraordinary thing! His brother was on a deserted island in a lake of fire, with a beautiful blonde on one hand and a bottle of 100-year-old whiskey in the other!
"I don't get it", the man said, "what kind of punishment is that?"
"Ah," said St. Peter, "don't be deceived by looks, my son. All is not what it appears to be. You see, the bottle of whiskey has a hole in it, and the girl . . . "
Three Alzheimer's patients walk in to a doctor's
The doctor calls in the first one, and asked a bunch of infos about himself. Then he asked him,"OK, what's 5 plus 5?" - He answers, "That's easy...37." - The doctor says ok and tells him to send in the next patient.
He comes in a minute later. The doctor asks him all of his infos.Then he asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?" - He answers, "Simple...Thursday." The doctor nods and tells him to send in the final patient.
He comes in and sits down. The doctor asks him all of his personal infos. Then he also asks him", What's 5 plus 5?" - He answer", Man, that's easy...it's 10." - The doctor says, "That's good, now how did you get that?"
The patient said, "Well, I just subtracted 37 from Thursday."
A koala bear from Australia decided to take a
vacation to New York City to enjoy a different culture. After arriving
in New York and getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided
to take a walk. After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he
noticed several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff.
The koala bear approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"
The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?" - The koala bear immediately replied yes. "Do you wanna have sex?", the prostitute asked. "Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York experience," said the bear with a grin on his face. The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and directed him to her apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of bed and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, "Where are you going?". The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go. "I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!" - The bear said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay for sex?" - The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's in the dictionary, look it up."
The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has sex in exchange for money." The prostitute immediately started to chuckle and asked for her money.
The koala bear then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you look up the word koala bear?". The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up "koala bear." The bear said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!" The prostitute read the definition out loud. "An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves."
An eight year old boy is walking down the road
one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car", the
driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok", he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look", he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Saab, Dad. YOU have to live with it!"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada
one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with
the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot
of money!".After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered
her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The president
was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked
her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.Where did
you get this money?"
- The old lady replied, "I make bets.".
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square...."
"Ha!", laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!", replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.". Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Little Johnny and his friends were talking about
condoms in school one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their
purpose, but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug
store to buy a few in order to learn more about them.
As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale.
The pharmacist replied, "Why yes, we have them three for a dollar....."
Johnny replied, "I'll take three then."
When the pharmacist tallied the amount to the register, the total came to one-dollar and six cents. Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you told me they were three for a dollar.
The pharmacist replied, "that's the tax we put on them.
Little Johnny said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves........?!"
The three stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He does not believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they calkl it Fed UP??
Why is the man who invests all your money called broker??
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag??
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there??
How many real men does it take to change a light
None .... real men ain't afraid of the dark!
How many pessimists does it take to change a light
None! Why bother .... it's going to burn out anyway!!
I was thinking about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spons and forks, and I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks??
Teacher: Where were you born?
Teacher: Which part?
Pupil: All of me, sir!
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged
couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor
said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
from having sex for two weeks.".
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." - "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!", said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?". The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." - "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!", said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?". "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks", the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?", inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church", stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Kmart anymore, either."
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor
puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see
you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."........
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!", the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?". The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day....".
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo", she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?".... The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side!".
A young punk to his friend: "I don't REALLY like to dress this way, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them....."
There are THREE basic rules for having good teeth:
# Brush them twice a day
# See your dentist twice a year
# Keep your nose out of other people's business....
At the natural history museum:
Visitor: Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
Guide: "They are 3 million, four years and six months old."
Visitor: "That's amazing. How do you now their age so precisely?"
Guide: "Well, the bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!"
John and David were both patients in a Mental
Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
John suddenly dived into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed
there. David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and
pulled John out.
When the medical director became aware of David's heroic act he immediately ordered David to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell David the news he said, "David, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, John, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
David replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." ..........
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she
called the repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the
key under the mat.... Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you the cheque. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman.
He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ... do NOT under any circumstances
talk to my parrot!".
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!". To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!".......
Little Johnny's in his math class. The teacher
is explaining subtraction to the kids. She poses this question to the class:
"If three pigeons are perched on a wire and you shoot one off, how many
are left?". The class is silent. Little Johnny raises his hand. "You know
the answer, Johnny?", the teacher asks. "Yes I do. If three pigeons are
on a wire and you shoot one off, none are left. The other two would fly
away.". The teacher seems amused, but calmly corrects Johnny. "No Johnny,
if you shoot one off, two are left, but I like the way you're thinking."
This only frustrates Johnny.
About five minutes before class ends, Johnny raises his hand again. "Yes, Johnny," the teacher asks. Johnny says, "Three women are sitting on a park bench all eating icecream cones. One's bitting it, one's licking it, and one's sucking it. Which one's married?". The teacher seems a little confused, but decides to answer, "The one sucking it?". Little Johnny replies, "No, the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
One day a cucumber, pickle and penis were having a conversation:
Pickle says, "You know my life really sucks! Whenever
I get big, fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me
in a jar.".
Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that´s bad, whenver I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad......!".
Penis finally says, "You think that your lives are tough ?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness!!".
A man, on his way home from work, came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse
than usual. Nothing´s even moving....!!".
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what´s the hold up?!".
The officer replies, "John Howard is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Janette back to Lane Cove that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he´s threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he don´t have the money to pay for the new house renovations. We´re taking up a collection for him.....".
"Oh, really ?! How much have you got so far?" - "About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.....".
There was a blonde woman who was having financial
troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went
to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote
this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown
bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 am. Signed: The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!".
John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new manager. He had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he
needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview,
John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" - "Why, yes,
I couldn´t help but notice that you have no ears", came the reply.
John didn´t appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she
was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question
at the end of the interview, "Do you notice anything different about me?!"
- "Well", she said, "you have no ears....."
John again got upset and tossed her out.
The third and final interviewee was the best of
the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart.
He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first
two put together. John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young
man the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?!". And
much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses.....!!".
John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know THAT ?!", he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it´s pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears.....!!".
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" - "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The doctor was puzzled, "I'm very sorry, but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mr. Mahogany. I think it must be drink..." - "Don't worry about it, Dr. Kelley. I'll come back, when you're sober.....!".
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and one chocolate cake. I feel better already.....
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that read "DISNEYLAND LEFT". So they turned around and went home again.....
Overheard at a computer store: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of a six-year-old boy, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too....."
A boy asks his father if he can use his car. The father replies, '"No, not until you cut your hair!" - "But father....Jesus had long hair!". To which the father says, "True, AND he walked everywhere....!"
Neighbour 1: "Hi, there, new neighbour, it sure
is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbour: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbour 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbour: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbour 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbour: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbour 1: "That is right"
New Neighbour: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbour 1: "Right again"
New Neighbour: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbour 1: "Correct"
New Neighbour: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbour 1: "Yup"
New Neighbour: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbour 1: "Cool!"
Later that same day:
Neighbour 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy
who moved in next door"
Neighbour 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbour 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbour 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbour 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbour 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbour 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbour 3: "No"
Neighbour 1: "Faggot!!"
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city,
so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place
for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" - The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think I should go see the doctor!". His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at the drugs store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than the doctor. Simply put in a sample of urine and the computer will diagnose the problem and tell you what to do".
Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his pee, went to the drugs store where he found the computer and deposited his sample and the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:
YOU HAVE A TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER
THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN HOUR.
AVOID HEAVY LABOUR.
YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
That evening while thinking about how amazing
this new technology was and how it could change the world of medicine forever,
he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to
He mixed together some tap water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the store, deposited the sample and paid his money. After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:
YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTNER.
THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE FUCKED, GET IT TO A GARAGE.
YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB.
YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER.
AND IF YOU DON'T STOP WANKING, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.....!!
An engineer, a programmer, and their manager go
out for lunch. On the way to the restaurant they meet a genie. "I can grant
but three wishes and because there are three of you, each will receive
one wish!", the genie says.
The programmer goes first, "I want to be in Tahiti surrounded by beautiful women", he says and POOF! he disappears.
The engineer goes next, "I want to be in Hawaii with a huge house", he says and POOF! he too disapears.
The manager goes last, "And I want them both back in the office after lunch.....!".
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!", said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Boss: "Mrs Jones, have you seen my pen ?!"
Secretary: "Why, yes. It´s behind your ear."
Boss: "Look here. I´m a very busy man. Tell me which ear!!"
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally, the husband explodes, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" - "My dear, if it weren't for your money, Iwouldn't be here!"
Customer: "How on earth do you make money selling
your computers so cheaply ?"
Salesman: "That´s no problem!! We make a HUGE profit repairing them...."
A blonde was playing "Trivial Pursuit" one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ......
The blonde reported for her university final examination
that consists of "yes/no" - type questions. She takes her seat in the examination
hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit
of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.....".
The trainee was pleased to have a new job and applied for a credit card. The manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank:
"Indeed I have", replied the trainee.
"How much", the manager asked.
"I dunno. I haven´t shaken it lately.....!!".
An ambitious manager hasn´t had a profit
in years. One day the Devil appears to him and says: "I can make you the
greatest manager of all time!"
At this the manager´s ears prick up.
The Devil continues: "I will give you the patent for a supercomputer, and you shall produce it! You will be the wealthiest, greatest manager alive! All I ask is that you murder all your clients, divorce your wife, abandon your children, and pledge your soul to me!".
Wide-eyed with wonder the manager simply asks: "What´s the catch ?!".
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ........
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac
He lay awake at night wondering if there was a DOG ..... !!
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard
a humming sound coming
from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter
naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen
and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming
sound again, this
time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband
watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
A female computer consultant was helping a smug
male set up his computer.
She asked him what he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "PENIS"
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.
She almost died laughing at the computer's response ...
PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH.
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me ANY of the capitals, I know all of them." - A redhead said, "OK. What's thev capital of Wyoming?" - The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy..... 'W', of course!" .....
Two psychiatrists were walking down the street. One turned to the other and siad, "Hello!" - The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that....!"
Teacher: "Conjugate the verb 'to walk' in simple
Pupil: "I walk.... You walk...."
Teacher: "Quicker, please!"
Pupil: "I run..... You run...."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time", she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk....!"
The CIA neecds an assassin, so they select the two best candidates, a man and a woman. In the final test agents take the man to a large metal door and hand him a gun. "Inside this room, you will find your wife on a chair. Kill her!" he is told. The man replies, "You can't be serious. I could never kill my own wife." One of the agents says, "Then you're not the man we're looking for." It is the woman's turn. She is told to kill her husband. She takes the gun and goes into the room. The agents hear a few shots, then someone screaming and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, the door opens, and the woman says, "This gun was full of blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Transcript of an apparently ACTUAL radio conversation:
Americans: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I repeat, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No. I repeat, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND-LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I REPEAT, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Yourcall!"
Two boys, not yet old enough to he in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first hoy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My daddy's an accountant, what does your daddy do for a living?" ashed Billy. Tommy replied, "My daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
One evening William Wharton, a seaman on a navy ship, staggered aboard the vessel, very drunk. His superior saw him and said, "Wharton, it's a pity you drink, if you were sober, you might have become a second officer like me. Think what drink has cost you!" - Wharton replied, "Nonsense! When I get a few drinks in me, I'm an admiral!"
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine
on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny
day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies turned to the other and said, "Please
don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed.
After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed, said nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, said, "How soon do you have to know?"
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and
a Jewish rabbi were discussing the question of when life begins.
Priest: "Life begins at the moment of conception when the sperm and the egg unite."
Minister: "No, it begins when the fetus is viable."
Rabbi: "Well, my idea is that life really begins when the kids graduate from high school and go off to college."
A man had to undergo coronary surgery. The operation
went well and as the man regained consciousness, a Sister of Mercy said
while patting his hand, "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine. We do
have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you
covered by insurance?" -
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cask?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied. "But she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"OK," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
The judge said to the defendant, " I thougnt I
told you I never wanted to see you in here again!"
"Your Honor", the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen!"
On a rural road a state trooper pulled a farmer
over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several
To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As
they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation
of the town. They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for
lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for
days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her
son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed.
"She said it's none of your business how old she is," sniggered Timmy.
Jason and Harry are trying to get in a quick eighteen
hole, but there are two terrikle lady golfers in front of them hitting
the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
Jason says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play througj?"
Harry gets about kalfway there and comes kack.
Jason asks, "What's wrong?"
Says Harry, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress. There is no way I could be seen by both of them together""
Jason says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets akout halfway there and comes back.
Harry asks, "What's wrong?"
Jason says, "Small world....."
Little Henry wanted to go to the zoo and pestered
his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into
"So how was it?", his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Henry replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?", asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Henry excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
After a particularly poor game of golf, the golf
player started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get
his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth
hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hit your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb"
"If you'e such a good fortune-teller, you should
be able to tell me the score of tonight's hockey game before it starts!"
"Before the game starts, the score will be nought to nought!"
Two men were sitting side by side on a flight
from New York City to Los Angeles and started to talk. One explained that
he had never flown before.
They landed in Chicago, whereupon a little red truck pulled up and refueled the plane. They again landed to refuel at Denver. The little red truck pulled up to the plane and refueled it. As they were about to land at their destination the veteran flier pointed out to the novice what great time they had made.
The novice said, "Yes, we made good time, but that little red wagon wasn't doing bad either....."
A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which
contained, among other things, a screaming baby. The gentleman kept repeating
softly, "Dont get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert;
keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
Three boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first one said, "My father runs so fast, he can fire an arrow, start
running, and get there before the arrow!"
The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"
The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 6 and is home before 5!"
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid and left a voice mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day he received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. ... ... The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog... Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!"
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after
15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young
couple he found in the bedroom - the man to a chair on one side of the
room and his wife to the bed.
The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He can't have seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!".
"Darling", the wife said spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me. He was whispering to me. He told me, he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom".
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office
and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible" says the doctor. "Show me"
She takes he finger and pushes on her elbow and yelps in agony.
She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams
... and so it goes on.
No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.
The doctor says "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde.
She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde.
"I thought so" he says, "Your finger is broken".
A young employee was leaving the office at 6 pm
when he found the boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen", said the boss, "This is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly, Sir", said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!", said the boss as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy.....".
A juggler, driving to his next performance, was
stepped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer
"I juggle them in my act"
"Oh, yeah?", said the cop. "Let's see you do it"
So the juggler started tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by saw this and said, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started
to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Jonathan and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?", asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet," the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another 15 pounds first."
The farmer's son was returning from the market
with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of
a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different
directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood, scooping
up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he
had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose", the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son!", the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Miller goes to see his supervisor and says, "Boss,
we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs
me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Jones", the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss", says Jones, "I knew I could count on you!"
Man: "How's your history paper coming along?"
Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful."
Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
A musical director was having a lot of trouble
with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but
his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from tke percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor....."
A customer goes into a shop and says to the assistant,
"I'd like to try on the green dress in the window."
"As you wish, madam", replies the shop assistant. "But wouldn't you rather use the changing room?"
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work.
One says to the other, "Have you heard the news? The managing director
of the company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers', and I want to know who it was!"
A woman put a brand-new car up for sale, asking
for just ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical.
"What's the gimmick?", he inquired.
"No gimmick", the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."
Paul died, and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said: "This is what I want to have printed: Paul is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK, then print: Paul is dead. Toyota for sale."
- "Those pills you gave me, don't seem to be helping
much, doctor. It's been two weeks now, and I'm the same as if I hadn't
- "On the contrary, if you hadn't taken them you'd be dead by now."
A man goes to the hairdresser's. He's completely
bald, with the exception of three single hairs on the top of his head.
The hairdresser asks him what kind of haircut he wants.
"Well," says the man, "comb one to the left, one to the right, and comb the middle one to the back."
"Oh, dear!" says the hairdresser. "I've pulled one out by mistake. What shall I do now?"
"That's ok", says the man. "Part them. Comb one to the left and one to the right."
"Oh, no!" says the hairdresser. "I've pulled another one out! What shall I do now?"
"No problem", says the man. "Just leave it all unkempt."
"Waiter, this steak's too tough. I can't possibly
eat it! Call the manager!"
"That won't do any good, sir. He won't be able to eat it either."
A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr
Jefferson, I have reviewed the case very carefully, and I've decided to
give your wife 900 pounds a month."
"That's very kind of you, your honour", he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."
A foreign visitor to England was completely confused
by the language and struggled with the pronunciation of words such as 'enough',
'bough' and 'though'.
However, he gave up altogether when he saw the headline in a local newspaper: 'FETE PRONOUNCED SUCCESS'.
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don't feed it!
A husband was standing on the bathroom scales,
desperately holding his stomach in. His wife, thinking he was trying to
lose weight, remarked, "I don't think that's going to help."
"I think it is," he said. " It's the only way I can see the numbers!"
There are two queues outside the gates of heaven. Above the first one there is a sign: 'For men with bossy wives'. Above the second is a sign reading: 'For men who have never been bossed by their wives'. The first queue is endlessly long, but there is only one man standing in the second queue. St. Peter goes up to the man and asks him why he is the only one standing there. "I really don't know," the man replies meekly, "my wife told me to stand here."
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had noBODY to go with!
A policeman sees a car driving along the highway at only 22 miles per hour and thinks, "Driving this slowly is as dangerous as speeding!" So he stops the car. Four elderly ladies are inside, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The lady who is driving asks, "Officer, what have I done wrong? I was doing 22, exactly the speed limit!" Smiling, the officer explains that '22' is the name of the route, not the speed limit. "But before you go on", says the policeman, "is everyone in the car alright? The other ladies look like they're really afraid - and they haven't said a word." - "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We've just left Route '119'."
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you
give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
During a Sunday church Service in England, a collection
is taken. After the money is counted, the vicar says, "We've taken twenty-one
pounds and a penny. I suppose that means there's a visitor from Scotland
in our church today."
Suddenly, a voice pipes up from the back, "You are wrong, sir. There are in fact two of us."
An 86-year-old man marries a 19-year-old girl.
Returning from their honeymoon, he tells his best friend, "It was fantastic.
We made love almost every night."
"How did you manage that at 86?", asked the friend.
"Well," said the new groom, "we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday ..."
A golfer was spending ages preparing for his tee
shot. "For goodness sake, hurry up!" said his partner.
"But my wife is watching from the club house," he replied. "This has to be a perfect shot."
"Forget it - you'll never hit her from here!"
Why do you never get hungry in the desert?
Because of the sand which is there!
Why don't lobsters share?
Because they are shellfish!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer!!
Having joined a monastery, a man takes a vow of silence, with the exception of two words every five years. After the first five years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he replies. The elders nod and send him away for another five years. Time passes, and when he is called in again he says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Five more years go by, and at their next scheduled meeting, he says, "I quit." "Well, I can't say that surprises us," said the eldest elder, "all you've done since you got here is moan and complain."
A man walks into a pub with I a piece of tarmac under his arm. He goes up to the barman and says, "I'll have one for me and one for the road."
A young actor was thrilled to land a major part
in a new play and rushed home to tell his mother the good news.
"Momma, Momma", he cried. "I got the part. I play the husband."
His mother looked at him contemptuously. "You mean, you couldn't get a speaking part?"
Customer: Waiter, this egg is bad!
Waiter: Don't blame me, sir! I only lay the table.
A guy walked into a bar and said to the barman,
"I've got this great Polish joke."
The barman glared at him and warned him, "Before you tell that joke, I think you ought to know that I'm Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."
"Ok", said the guy. "I'll tell it slowly."
A boy tells his girlfriend, 'We're going to have
a great time Saturday. I got three tickets for the big match.
"Why do we need three?", she asks.
"One for your father, one for your mother & one for your kid sister....."
Ever wonder about those people who spend 2 Euros
a time on little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards then!
"Mum, mum, I don't want to go to school today."
"Why not, dear?"
"They all hate me there, mum. They laugh at my haircut, call me names and some of the big boys keep tryitig lo take my dinner money off me."
"But Daniel, yon have to go. You are the director after all."
A man was sitting quietly in a bar when someone
shouted, "All lawyers are jerks!"
The man jumped to his feet and said, "I resent that!"
"Are you a lawyer?"
"No, a jerk!"
Two customers are sitting in a grimy restaurant.
"What do you want to drink?", asks the waiter.
"A beer, please", says one customer.
"And I'll have the same", says his friend. "And make sure I get a clean glass."
The waiter takes the order and returns several minutes later with the drinks. "Right, now which one of you wanted the clean glass?"
What do prisoners use to call each other?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with
"What? That's outrageous!", says one man to his
colleague, "l tell you that my wife is expecting a baby, and you've got
the cheek to ask me from whom."
"Calm down, mate", replies the other one. "I just thought you would know, that's all."
A man storms into a tobacconist's and complains,
"I asked you for the best cigar you had and what do you sell me?? This
The tobacconist looks at him and says, "You think you've got a problem, pal? I've got a whole shop full of those things!"
Little Xavier is leading a cow through the village
one day, when he bumps into the vicar.
"Where are you taking the cow?" asks the vicar, concerned.
"I'm taking Daisy to see my father's bull", replies Xavier. "He's got to get her pregnant."
"Can't your father do it?", asks the vicar."
"Nope, it definitely has to be the bull."
A man checked into a run-down hotel. "The room
is 15 pounds anight," said the manager. "It's eight pounds, if you make
your own bed."
"Ok, I'll make my own bed."
"Right, I'll get you some nails and wood."
There was once a young man whose only desire,
as a youth, was to become a great writer, when asked to define great, he
said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that
people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.....
Teenager: Now that I'm 16 can I wear stilettos
and a miniskirt?
Moher: I'd rather you didn't, David.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and a fat guy in a fancy suit gets all the credit!
A student from a small country town is accepted
at Yale University, on his first day on campus, he tries to find his way
around, he approaches a well-dressed student and asks, "Excuse me, can
you tell me where's the library at?"
The other student replies arrogantly, "Don't you know that one should never end a sentence with a preposition?"
"OK, then. Where's the library at, dope?"
Socialism - You have two cows and give one to
Communism - You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you the milk.
Fascism - You have two cows; the government takes both and sells you the milk.
National Socialism - You have two cows; the government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism - You have two cows; the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.
Capitalism - You have two cows; you sell one and buy a bull.
A salesman dropped in to see a customer. He noticed
a large dog who appeared to be emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared
at the animal, wondering if his imagination was playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "My friend, don't be surprised. This is just
part of my job."
"Amazing", exclaimed the man. "I simply can't believe it. Does your boss realize what a prize he has in you? An animal... that can talk!"
"No, no, no!" pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man discovers I can talk, he'll be making me answer the phone as well."
An American stood in London looking at a large
building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.
"You know, boy", said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building, too, but they are four times higher."
"Really?", replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital!"
The average man's life consists of 30 years of having his mother ask him where he is going; 40 years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wonder, too.
Two men drove their cars toward each other on
a narrow street - neither could pass. One leaned out and shouted,
"I never back up for a stupid idiot!"
"I always do!" shouted the other man, shifting into reverse.
Employee: "I have been here 11 years doing three
men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise."
Boss: "Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them."
Wife: «This article on overpopulation
of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a
baby every four seconds!"
Husband: "I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!
One day an employee arrived late with one eye
closed, his left arm in a sling, and his clothes in tatters.
"It's 9:30," pointed out the boss, "and you were due at 8:30."
The employee explained, "I fell out of a tenth-story window."
The president snorted and remarked, "It took you a whole hour?"
Vacation is a period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the clothes and half the money you need.
A blonde woman applying for a job in a Florida
lemon grove seemed much too qualified tor the job.
"Look, Miss", asked .the foreman, "have you had an actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times!"
A little boy went to school one day, and while
he was gone, his cat was killed. His mother was very concerned about how
he would take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explained the tragedy
and tried to console the boy by saying,
"But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, '"What's God want with a dead cat?"
One day there were two men walking down a dirt
path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided
to ask what was in the sack. When he asked, the man said, "I got me some
chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm mmm mmm ... Chicken sure sounds good tonight."
The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.
"Well, I'll tell you," replied the man, "if you can guess how many chickens I got in this sack, I'll give them both to you!"
A policeman is walking down the road when he sees
a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him.
He walks up to the man and says, "Hello, sir, I like your dog!"
The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, "It's not a dog, it's a brick."
The policeman replies, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad," and walks off rather puzzled.
As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, "That fooled him, didn't it, Rover?"
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday
party when a reporter went up to him.
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 pm I have a glass of port. Good for the keart, I've heard!"
The reporter replied, "That's all"'
The man smiled and said, "That, and cancelling my voyage on the Titanic."
A group of hikers was being led through the wilderness
by a guide. On the third day, they noticed that they had been travelling
"We're lost!", one of the hikers complained, "And you said you were the best guide in the United States!"'
"I am!", the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."
Two really dumb guys, Joe and Lester, were on
the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down
'I have an idea", said Joe. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have a better idea", said Lester. "I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there!"
Four Cathtolic ladies are having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic lady says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
Because the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her a subtle "Well ...?"
And she says, "My son is a gorgeous, six-foot-two, hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God' "
A littlegirl was talking to her teacher about
whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat
is very small. The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah. The
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly, blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
"I'm ashamed of you", the mother said. "Fighting
with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
A newly rich Internet entrepreneur splurged on
a Rolls-Royce and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with
the manager of his bank, he offered him a ride home. A mile or two into
the ride, he couldn't help asking the banker, "So whaddya think? Pretty
snappy, huh? Bet you've never ridden in one of these before."
"Actually, I have" replied the banker graciously, "but this is my first time in the front seat."
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father
for another, how many would you have?", the teacher asked the little boy.
"One dollar," replied the boy.
"You don't know your arithmetic!", said the teacher.
"No," replied the boy. "You don't know my father."
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when
suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello?
How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed
the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?", asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
McNally was taking his first plane ride. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes", she explained. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "How do I get the gum out of me ears?
An elderly couple was killed in an accident and
found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by
any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria", the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and those low-fat diets!"
A man visits God and says, "God, do you mind if
I ask you a few questions?"
God says, "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says, "God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies, "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says, "That's interesting, God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?"
God replies, "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says, "Really? Well then, God, could you lend me five cents, please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says, "Of course, my son. Just wait five minutes!"
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog poo, 20 feet back."
One day a small boy was playing in the street.
He accidentally swallowed a coin, which became stuck in his throat. With
the boy choking, his mum ran along the street screaming for help. Luckily
a passer-by intervened and hit the boy hard on the back so that he coughed
up the coin.
"Doctor, thank you ever so much," proclaimed the mother.
"Lady, I'm no doctor", replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are
sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the
house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three people coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."'
The biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician: "If exactly one person enters the house now, then it will be empty again."
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps? Then the mailmen could look for them while the deliver mail!
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he
hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take
the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue
pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "What's my problem, Doc?"
The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes
to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a real mean and
tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything,
he runs inside and throws horse dung all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and the electricity isn't turned on yet."
A woman who played cards one night a month with a couple of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30 at night. One night she tried not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over her arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Damn woman!", he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
A dull pupil was tailing a literacy test and not doing very well. The teacker looked at his paper and said, "The troukle with you is that you do not know the Queen's English." - The student glared at the teacker and retorted, "Of course she is!"
A man told his doctor hje wasn't able to do all
the tilings around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's
wrong witk me."
"Well, in plain English", the doctor replied, "you're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank you," said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
A golfer was having suck a terrible day one day
that he couldn't help but take it out on his caddyy.
"You're terrible!", he screamed. "When we get back to the clubhouse, I'm going to see tkat you get fired!"
"That's okay by me", the caddy replied calmly. "By the time we get back to the clubhouse, I'll be old enough to get a regular job!"
"What am I supposed to do with this?", grumbled
the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine.
"Keep it", the clerk advised. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' place. At bedtime, the two boys knelt down beside their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VIDEO RECORDER ..." The older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deafl" The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma sure is!"
A woman called the help desk with a problem with her printer. The technician asked her if she was "running it under Windows" The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
A man visited a matchmaker for marriage and said, "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me find a suitable one. She should be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. She should tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when 1 want to rest." The advisor listened carefully and replied. "I understand. You need a television."
A senator, a clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers
in a small plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot announced, "We're
going to have to jump. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes.
I have a wife and eight small children. My family needs me. I take one
of the parachutes and jump out!" And sure enough, he jumped. Then the senator
declared, "Since I'm the smartest politician in the world, my country needs
me. So I'm sorry, but I'm taking one of the parachutes." And sure enough,
the senator bailed out. The clergyman said to the Boy Scout, "Son, I've
had a great life, and yours is still ahead of you. You
can take the last parachute." The youngster shrugged and replied, "I don't need to, there are two parachutes left... the smartest politician in the world jumped with my backpack!"
An old man was lying on his deathbed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
Three older ladies were discussing the travails
of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand and can't remember whether I want to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one said, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood", as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Oscar parked his brand new Mercedes outside his
favorite sporting goods store. Jane, the pretty blonde saleswoman, greeted
him as usual as he made his way to the back of the store.
Five minutes later, Jane came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Question: What is a diplomat?
Answer: A man who can tell you to go to hell and make you look forward to the trip.
Stranger: "Catch any fish?"
Fisherman: "Did I?!? I took thirty out of this stream this morning!"
Stranger: "Do you know who I am? I'm the game warden."
Fisherman: "Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."
Harold's wife buys a new tine of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before
the mirror, she asks her husband, "Darling honestly, if you didn't know
me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking her over carefully, Harold replies, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five,"
"Oh, you flatterer!", she gushes, just as she is about to tell Harold his reward, he stops her by saying,
"WHOA, hold on there, sweety! I haven't added them up yet!"
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger
noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door. Inside,
he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.
He asked the store's owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep", the proprietor answered, "that's him!'
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?!"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted the sign, people kept tripping over him."
A large, two-engined train was crossing America.
After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem!",
the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the
line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the
passengers about why the train had stopped, and he made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not to fly!"
Wife to husband: "Wrinkles are easy to ignore if you read between the lines!"
Two men were discussing the infidelities of one of their office coleagues. "I don't know how he gets away with it. The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is to zip her up!"
Jim fell deeply in love with Ida. He finally went
to Ida's father to ask for his blessing.
"So you want to become my son-in-law?, do you?"
"No, sir, I really don't. But I want to marry your daughter, so I don't know how I can avoid it!"
Fifth grade girl to teacher: "I ain't got no pencil!"
Teacher: "It's 'I don't have a pencil, 'You don't have a pencil", 'We don't havbe any pencils', 'They don't have any pencils'. Is that clear?"
Girl: "No, What hapened to all them pencils?"
A woman meant to call a record store but dialled
the wrong number and got a private home instead:
"Do you have 'Eyes Of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?"
"Well, no, but I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?"
"I don't know, but it's as close as I want to get."
Teacher: "What's the capital of The U.S.?"
Pupil: "Washington D.C."
Teacher: What does DC stand for?"
Pupil: "Dot com."
A young student was puzzled what the ageing college
professor needed three pairs of glasses.
He explained, "I have one pair for long sight, one pair for short sight and I need the third pair to look for the other two."
A grandmother took her five-year-old grandson to the ballet. The boy had never seen a ballet before and watched the ballerinas prance around on their toes. After the show was over, the granny asked the youngster if he had any questions. "Yeah, wouldn't it be easier if they just hired taller dancers?!"
Wife: "When we were first married, you took the
small piece of steak and gave me the larger one. You don't love me anymore...."
Husband: "Nonsense, darling, you cook better now!"
Emily loved Rick, but she worried about all the money he spent when they were out. She asked her friend Becky, "How can I stop Rick from spending so much money on me?" - "Marry him!", Becky replied.
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son
decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector!"
"Strange ambition to have for a career!"
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Husband and wife are returning to their seats
in the theatre after an intermission. The husband asks a man sitting at
the end of the row, "Did I step on your toes as I went out?"
"Yes, you did, as a matter of fact!", says the other angrily, ecpecting an apology. Instead, the man turns to his wife and says,
"Alright, honey, this is our row."
Nurse: "Doctor, there's an invisible man in your
Doctor: "Tell him, I can't see him right now!"
A man went into a bank and asked the cashier, "Will you check my balance?" - So she pushed him....
How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Teacher: "Jason, go to the map and find North
Jason: "Here it is!"
Teacher: "Correct. No, class, who discovered North America?"
Class (in unison): "Jason!"
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage:
He didn't have to hear about all the men, she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her dinner party. So she asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" - "No, ma'am, they're dead!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speding and asks her very nicely if she could see her licence. She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence, and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks
if he is going to meet a young girl.
The fortune teller tells him, "Yes you are."
"Where? In a bar or at a party?"
"In biology class!"
Wife: "I dreamt you gave me 100 bucks for summer
clothes last night. You wouldn't spoil that dream, would you, Dear?"
Husband: "Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100!"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out a private, and as he was walking away, he turned to him and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." - "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I get out of the Army I'll never stand in another line...."
During a class at a well-known university, the
professor was challenging his students:
"All right, Larry, can you tell us who built the Great Sphinx?"
"I did know, but I've forgotten."
"Great guns, what a calamity! The only man living who knows - and he has forgotten!"
A woman left her lover on thesofa when the phone
rang, and was back in a few seconds.
"Who was it?"
"I better get going. Where was he?"
"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you!"
Little Johnny came home from his first day at
school and said, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any
brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, Dear. What did she say when you told hr that you are an only child?"
"She just said: 'Thank God!'"
A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty
crimes. The judge said, "Mr. Banks, you are herby find $100!"
The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanky, Your Honour. However, my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd...."
A little girl, when asked her name, replied, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong and that she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The vicar spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?". She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not...."
On the way to the hospital, a nurse was driving very fast. She failed to heed the stoplight on the corner. A policeman caught up with her on the next block. He said, "Doesn't that red light remind you of something?" - "Oh yes! Someone wants the bedpan!"
Stranger: "Good morning. I just dropped in to
tell you how much I benefited from your treatment."
Doctor: "But you're not one of my patients!"
Stranger: "I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I'm his heir!"
The instructor at the sky-diving school was in
the question-and-answer period of the class of new students, when the question
that always rises came up:
"Sir, if you jump from a plane and your 'chute doesn't open and your reserve 'chute fails, how long before you would hit the ground?"
With a serious countenance, the instructor said, "The rest of your life..."
A bunch of tourists were looking into the crater
of Mount Vesuvius, and one American said to another, "My God! It sure is
deep and hot! Reminds you of hell, doesn't it?"
A guide, hearing the comment, said quietly to another European besaide him, "These Americans! They've been everywhere!"
An accountant is having ahard time sleeping and
goes to see his doctor:
"I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake, and then spend three hours trying to find it!"
Two Irishmen met at a pub. They had not seen each
other for many years:
"Tell me now, Paddy, did you ever marry?"
"Yes, Robin, I did, and my wife's an angel."
"Sure and you're a lucky man. Mine's still with me..."
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The teacher made a not, "Take only one apple, God is watching!"
At the other end of the table was a large pile of choclate chip cookies. A young boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples!"
"My kids love surfing the Web, and the keep track
of their passwords by writing them on Post It-notes. I noticed their Disney
'MickeyMinniePlutoGoofy', and so I asked why it was so long. 'Because', they explained, 'they say it has to have at least four characters...'!"
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment and knowing, the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced that day, asked his son if he got a part. Matt announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years." - "That's great son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part!"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to see his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a big breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss, the pill actually worked!" - "That's all fine", said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?!"
A man put his hand out of the window to check whether it was raining. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see an attractive young woman looking down. "Is this yours?", he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" The man agreed. She was profuse in her thanks and said, "I'm about to have dinner. Would you like to join me?" He readily accpeted the offer, and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" - "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" - "No, only those who catch my eye!", she replied.
An electrical engineer, a chemical enginer and
a computer engineer are in a car. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondeing what could
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occoured.
The chemical engineer suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and is getting blocked somewhere.
The computer engineer at last suggests: "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work?!"
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his
wife: "I've decided to plant some lettuce in the back yard. When is the
best time to plant it?"
The prisoner replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, watever you do, do NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week latzer, he received another letter from his wife: You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden!"
The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear Wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"